I never wanted to be a child of divorce…

I never thought that it would be my family. I never thought that I would be the girl that says, “I’m at my dad’s this week”. Now I will admit that I knew this was going to happen. At the same time I wanted it to happen, just to get it out of the way and move on with my life. I think that in the future my life won’t feel different. I only have 3.4 more years of this anyway. The hardest part is the fact that I knew all of this was going to happen and I couldn’t stop one bit of it. Statistics show that teenagers often blame themselves for their parents divorce. I know it’s not on me. But I do blame my mother. I know I shouldn’t but I see my dad upset about it and they tell me it was my mom’s problem. It’s hard to see beyond this moment right now. I worry about the material things. Since I’ll be living in 2 houses, what am I going to do with my stuff? I’m not going to live out of a suitcase for 4 more years of my life. I will not go back and forth each time I want something. What are my parents going to do with they stuff that they own? It’s all purchased together. Who gets what? This isn’t fair. I never wanted to be the child of divorce. I hate leaving my dad alone, especially now. The awkward moments we have now are the worst. Welcome to summer, have fun studying for finals through this. There was something else, but I can’t remember. What else is new?!? I think we’re trying to look on the bright side of things right now. OH! I’ve been told that I worry way too much for a 15 year old. Sure, I agree. But I can’t help that and I don’t know how to change anything. I can’t express my feelings. It’s something that won’t change, just like how I worry. Will I still have the same opportunities when I get older? Will we be able to afford the things we’re use to? I just don’t get it. How do you go from loving someone to this? WHY? I want to know why it took so long. I want to know why it happened. Yet I’m trying to look at the bright side. I get to redo my room. I get a backyard with a trampoline. I’ll belong to the pool. I’ll try to keep positive.

Stay strong guys <3

I love/hate boys

I just I thought I would share that with you. You probably agree with me too. I’m not sure how to apply this to everyone. But I’m sure you all know a situation like anything I say. I hate when they lead you on. I hate when they don’t say what they’re feeling. I hate when you don’t know what they feel. I hate when they say something then stop. I hate when they don’t text you. I hate when they flirt with the whole school. I hate when they say or do man things. I hate when they never kiss you when you want them to. I hate when they don’t get hints. I hate when they say “yea” or “haha”, how am I suppose to continue a conversation on that! I hate when they go too fast or too slow. I hate when they avoid your eyes. I hate when they don’t like you as a friend for stupid reasons. I hate the drama they cause. I hate the heartbreak they cause. I hate when they make my friends cry. I hate when they don’t apologize for things they do wrong. I hate when they read your minds at the wrong time. I hate when they won’t hold your hand. I hate when they take an awkward picture of you. I hate when they refuse to be in your picture. I hate when they take your stuff. I hate boys. But I love boys. I love how they tell you how cute they think you are. I love how they never want to leave your side. I love when they hug you and you smell like them all day. I love the way they make your heart beat. I love the way the squeeze you a bit too tight when you part. I love how they make little jokes with you. I love how they share things with you that they wouldn’t share with anyone else. I love how sometimes, they let you have their heart. I love how they’ll make fun of you but claim it’s okay because they love that about you. I love how they aren’t afraid of P.D.A. I love how they always try and make you feel better. I love how they keep you warm. I love how they always support you. I love how they get excited to meet your family. I love how they use smilies when they say goodnight. I love how they agree to do stuff with you. I love how when you say you want to take a walk they are at your house in an instant. I love how they won’t leave you alone when you’re upset, unless you ask them to. I love how they surprise you. I love how they let you bury your face in their chest when you’re scared during a movie.

I love so much more.

I hate so much more.

 

What I would do without you.

 

Let’s chat more babe(:

Long time no talk

It’s been a while. Not like any of you care. But guess what, Im a freshman . And my summer, doesn’t feel like summer. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m just floating through life. I don’t feel like I am seriously living this life. I am not. Someone else is for me. But they leave the suffering for me. When I woke up yesterday, nothing felt real. I was like, are you serious? I could not stop crying. For no reason. Don’t you just hate that? When you’re bawling, but have no idea where the tears are coming from? Honestly I probably know exactly where they were coming from but I could have cared less at that moment since I can’t change a thing. But time changes everything. Ha. That’s for sure. This guy that I was dating. He left that region of my life. I thought I was okay with it. I agreed to it. I’m not okay with this anymore. Why did I do that? I know we say we’ll be friends, and keep talking. It’s too hard. For me to watch on the side lines as you stand and hug her. Like you did to me. I can describe how you make me feel, and people interpret that as love. Is that what this is?

I know i love you chica. We’ve gone through a lot. And you make me cry. Leaving. Everything you say makes me life. And I won’t forget about any of it. I still don’t believe it. On 34th Street?!!!?!?!? BAHAHA! . I don’t have much else. But stay strong. Things will happen. I love youu!

Feelings Express

November 17th,2009    10:00-10:13 p.m

There are so many things I want to get out here guys! But it’s 10. And I need to shower. I think I will then come back to this, and make a note for JADA! Jada hun, I love you. Yes I do. No homo. So, I was on FaceBook earlier, right? Oh, we’re clear on that. Well, that’s good. Well, I had many things to say. But I want a DEEP quote to post for my status. Yet instead I was thinking about saying something about friend of the day, and being able to choose another, but how honestly nobody really was my friend of the day. But I came up with this instead,”So, like. I have LOTS of things to say. Oh, that’s SO surprising! But what I am wondering, on farmville, I got a rabbit. And it says 0% ready… what do you get from a rabbit??? This is SERIOUS people! -.-” Yeah, I am that cool.

WAHHOOO IM FEELING YOU BABY! DOOONNT BE AFRIAD TO JUMPP THEN FAAALLL!

Sorry, I do randomly burst out in song. Just saying. Man, It would be hilarious tomorrow if I blogged in the lab. DANG! I can’t. I have to read 2 chapter in this dumb book. The giver. How is this mildly related to history class? Anyway, after school, I have to work on my dang history city project with, Bud, and Jaylen. Uh. Let’s see how THIS turns out. Which reminds me, I should go look for a train, and a toy boat. Well, the boat, my brother will return to me right after he gets it. Too bad I don’t know where to meet him. Or when. Dang! Ok, I need to shower and look for these items I promised to bring. Yup. Okay. Not really what’s going on in my head, but that’s okay. I MIGHT talk to you tomorrow. Oh! Remind me to tell Jadaboo about Shockey. Byees guys!

November 18th, 2009

So I am sitting here in this computer lab. Reading my friend’s story. She’s amazing. I love her and she knows that. No homo But tonight is project time. Jayylen is, well. I don’t know how to describe Jaylen. I love that boy. Just not how you’re thinking. We used to date. But I think I’ve given up on dating for a while. Nothing works. And when you think you like a guy, everything just goes downhill. You think he’s the one who likes you more, but within a matter of days, he breaks up with you. Pretty much for another girl, as far as your concerned. Okay, got to go! Love yall!

March 19,2010

It’s been a while. I just haven’t had anything to say in a while I guess. There hasn’t been anything that I have felt so powerful about. Enough to write. I’m tired tonight. So don’t expect anything amazing. I just thought that I should tell a thing or so. By the time you’re reading this you will know that I decided to publish this. Even though there only are 3 entries. I don’t care. I have this guy. He’s pretty amazing. His name is Alexander. And I am only telling you this because that’s not too descriptive. But. Today we hung out. It was kind of cold out so we were cuddling. Ish. He had his arms around me and I kept playing with his hands. When we were talking, he says that people say that they feel protected when he’s surrounding them. It’s true. Nothing can hurt you in that moment. Nothing. I would like this feeling to come back to me. I don’t feel your comfort. I have nothing left to say tonight. Now it is time for bed. I am sorry you never understood this! Night!

Do you

What do you do? What do you do when people invade your world? Who do you call when you need to cry? Who do you? When some strange alien from another world climbs and crawls all over your heart and mind, what would you do? How long would you wait? Would you crack upon the one’s you love? How long would you wait? Even if you’re not along, why do you feel such? When you’re trapped against the black wall of pain, ho do you pass the time? The pain? Of all the things you need, what would you long for most? Do you feel the moon caressing dow your spine? Is it a dark night, yea yea yeah! Do you want to be left alone? Have that door slammed? Have you even been put down? Laughing when you cry? What do you do when they don’t want you? Do you run away like a crazy man chasing a cat? What do you do? Do you feel like the last star dimly shinin’ in the sky? Do you? The clouds are upon you, what do you do? Would you walk straight into the rain and wait for the storm? Or would you stay and wait for the morn?

Why would you, how could you? Have you ever

Have you ever felt so alone? To see them looking down upon you. Have you ever dreamt about a world with peace and no harm? Where the people see you for who you are not what you look like. Have you ever seen the guy you love and can’t speak? Have you ever? Shed those tears for problems that don’t even matter. Have you ever thought you loved him, but crushed by his heart? Have you, have you ever? Have you ever walked upon the tight rope, but fell along the way? Get tied to the railroad right before the train? Ohh did you ever?

Why would you tell me you cared when you don’t? Laugh at me when I’m feeling down. Why would you, how could you? Why would you, how could you tell them a lie. How could you, how could you? When I tell you I’m sad and cannot make it through, why would you, how could you just make me disappear? I cannot live this life no more no more. But just tell me one last thing before I go… Why would you, how could you, push me away?

Confuseation

What does it really mean to be confused? Does it mean that no one understands? Or that nothing feels right to anybody?

My guess is that being confused is different for everyone. Every person has their own emotions. And most souls live for themselves.

In time thoughts will slip through those little slots, we didn’t know we gave up. Those thoughts that angered us, not so long ago. Those thoughts, those are gone.

When you think about it, the process of confuseation is more than confusing, than being confused itself.

Because being confused is:

Love                 Joyfulness             Hurt

Anger               Pain                        and tears

This one is for you….

A few people in my life, alter it. My friends. They are a big part of that category. But there are these things called boys. You think you like them at points in your life. Honestly though, I am not sure which I am leaning towards now. Am I mad that “Bud” brooke up with me? No. Not at all. Just wondering if I should be. But you see, that’s not all. I don’t think I really liked him to begin with. Like, he would always text me, and I was sad if he didn’t. But never really, liked. I have that kinda thing. Where I would say yes, or not break up with them [see a bit later], because I don’t want to hurt them. So the breaking up thing. Ok! “Bud” was pissing me off lately. So I was trying to plan on how to break it off without hurting him. But then, I wake up this morning and BOOM! “I think it would be best for us both if we are just friends..” My reply? “Ok.” My, like, bff. Says that I probably wouldn’t have broke up with him anyway. I would have. Just trust me. What I don’t understand, 2 things. Bud, are you ever going to give a reason of why?Because I am curious. And 2, why don’t I feel mad, or sad? Why? SO! There’s this other guy. His name is, uh, Buddy. Yea. So on Facebook there’s this app. Friend Quiz. And I get a little update. “Buddy Bud, has answered a question about you. Click here to see what they said.” Of course, I clicked. “Do you think Name Last has a nice butt?” The answer your wondering? “Yes” Ok. So I have gone out with Buddy before. Twice. I, don’t know. I think I, well. Ok, never-mind right now. So I was on later and he got on it. I clicked his name to chat. “Gee, thanks” We talked about my butt. HAHAA! I DO THAT A LOT! ANYWAY, he says to me, “You know, I still like you a lot” Orly. Was my response. Yes reallllllllyy. I remember this like it was 2 seconds ago. But see, he has a girlfriend. So I asked if he was happy. But at the time so did I. And ever since then, I just stare at my Facebook chat of it. Because I REFUSE to close it. Today I walked around the neighborhood [which he also lives in], and NEVER stopped thinking about him. Earlier while on my computer, I thought I saw him log on, I basically, almost, screamed! I cannot believe this. It, ugh.

****Thanks everyone for listening to me random about things! Haha. I feel all giddy! *****

Someday…

Someday I will play the guitar and piano with ease

Someday I will be a sucessful parent

Someday I will help the world

Some I will be happy

Someday I will find a cure…

Just because

Just because I'm diabetic

Don’t talk behind my back.

Don’t think you know me well.

Don’t ignore me because I am

Just because I'm diabetic

It doesn’t mean I can’t do it.

It doesn’t mean I can’t have fun.

It doesn’t mean I’m abnormal

Just because diabetic
Still tell me everything
Can't wait until I'm done
Just because I'm diabetic-- please don't treat me different